I’ve had this mantra that I’ve been repeating to myself, day by day…
Finally…. I’ve taken that first step towards something. The something that will make a difference in my life and afford me the balance and the passion that I’ve searched for.
All in God’s timing is what I tell myself, I have to remain patient and wait on this blessing. I know it’s going to be difficult and stressful but what in life worth having isn’t. I see the light, I feel like I have a plan I can stick to and a plan that I can actually achieve. Goals. We all have them, we all fight for them, for that dream to become fruition. This may not be my dream but it is a step towards that. And for that I am grateful. I’ve had this mantra I’ve been repeating to myself all week, day by day….
4AM?! Yep that’s the time I had to get up today because of another issue on that thing sitting on my nightstand. That thing that has us all hypnotized by it’s sleek metal and glass melding together to create our planners, “lives”, relationships! Oh how I wish I could throw this fine piece of glass and metal against the wall. Woken up again with the same old story and maybe that’s what the issue is, it’s the same old story some days change others remain the same but here I am again caught in this rhyming game. I know that there is more out there because who would’ve imagined this little piece of glass and metal running our whole lives, who would’ve dreamt it?! I tell you who, a rich son of a… There is so much that I can achieve but am I ready for it, being a little fish in this big pond
(boring analogy, I know) can be so annoying. The potential lies within me, it lies within us all but taking that next step can sometimes be frightening especially at 4am…
What is your definition of success?
Each day I wake up with a new idea, a new dream, and aspiration only to realize that just like leaves on a tree they all blow and wither away. Am I not thinking hard enough or trying hard enough. Or maybe it’s my dreams, maybe they aren’t good enough maybe I’m trying to achieve something that just isn’t for me. Could it be? Could it be that all this time I was just living in the clouds about my abilities and talents. I wonder, I wonder if I’m really mean to do great things or am I just great at mediocrity. For real! Have you ever asked yourself the same questions? What were your answers? I don’t know maybe this liquor has me feeling a way, has caught up in my feelings as I long for hope and a place to stay. Wanting someone to believe in me and to take my words as truth and light to see my ideas and invest in me with time and patience. To understand that I’m just trying to make a living, just trying to find the way or could it be that this is the way. Too many glasses of this cheap chardonnay has me feeling as if I could live for centuries and die in days. Can I? Will it let me? Will I be able to escape this mundane existence I’ve created for myself, locked away in an office everyday typing away about people’s lives that are more exciting than mine. People who actually achieved things and who get paid for it, people who climb mountains and have seen seas. While I sit here hoping to achieve the same, what is hope? What is hope if I can’t bring it to fruition, If I can’t swim the sea, If I can’t–I just cant! I can’t do anything but sip this wine and think of the dream never realized, what type of life is this to live in this office everyday, glancing at people who have no sympathy. They don’t care about the things that bother me. They don’t understand me! What success have I achieved if all I do is interview people about the exciting shit they do?! None. That’s the answer, then I think to myself, ” I really look crazy right now, talking to this glass of wine”. But oh well.